Quick Calendar

Holidays : March 2024

Events : March 2024

Trainings : March 2024

Food Menu : Today

Thursday - March 28, 2024
Vada Pav

Mini Lunch: Brown Masoor+ chappati +salad +sweet

Full Lunch: Brown masoor + chappati +dal +rice +salad +sweet

Articles
PARENTING THE ADOLESCENTS – LOOSENING THE APRON STRINGS
A day comes in any parent’s life when they realize that their child is no more a little boy or girl. This realization gives panic and fear about the uncertainties and lack of references that lie ahead in terms of adolescent-rearing practices. The adolescents are growing up in different facets and give a sense of “out of reach” feeling most of the time. No longer is it possible to “protect” them from making mistakes, and “prevent” all the accidents that they encounter.   Previously parents had well-controlled, instructional and advisory modes and measures which gave a sense of security to both parents and children. Now there is a sense of helplessness and powerlessness. There is also a real dilemma of how much to control and let go. This can be very confusing and painful for parents too.

This article attempts to give some insight and guidelines to equip the parents of the adolescent with some effective support techniques. The basis is to understand the needs of the young ones, their fears and anxieties and address them through positive rearing practices. To prepare them for the real world, where everything is not fixed, arranged, controlled. 

Tomorrow is different from today and yesterday. So are the skills needed to face life. 

It is to guide the parents, to strike a balance between the  desire to hold on to them but realize the need to  make them independent.  To master the art of loosening the “apron strings”.

This article has 

  •          introduction to family system and composition that is the referral point
  •           definition, characteristics and personality strengths of the adolescent
  •           developmental tasks of the adolescent and parents’ role in performing them effectively
  •           family’s role in building self-esteem
  •           different view points in terms of how teenagers and parents view this process from their location and role
Some elaboration is needed with reference to family system before we go any further in this chapter. The article serves as a resource and guidance for all the significant adults, especially to parents of adolescents. We need to have clarity of what kind of family system we are talking about here.

Considering the diversity and complexity of Indian situation in terms of family systems in both rural and urban background, there is no one ideal or dominant system. The scene is changing both in rural and urban setting. What was once considered as the most common family system- the joint family system - is fast changing. Urbanization and rapid industrialization demanded smaller units to suit the urban construct and thus emerged a distinct, adaptive style, like extended joint family system and the most common urban set up, like nuclear families.  The extended joint family system provided to certain extent the security and support of the joint family system and the coziness of the nuclear system. This held the social fabric together where still the non-productive members like children and old people have functional role and space.  So, in my discussion I will mostly focus on the above-mentioned systems in the urban scenario only because that has been my area of competence and experience. Leaving out the rural setting in no way undermines the importance or the relevance of their growth and development. The  nuclear family that we observe today is smaller in composition- though not on the lines of ideally described numbers, where in both parents work and mothers in either formal or unorganized sectors, where the thrust is on economic achievement and balancing other value systems that  family systems are based on. This brings an essential element - the class system- when we discuss the role of the families as it differs with different class belonging. Here again we need to have greater clarity of what class belonging does the families have- that we are talking about. So, I take ä middle path- and I focus on lower, and middle class families, which could give some idea to draw inferences on the other class family systems that are left out of discussions here.

            Having said all that, I still would like to draw the attention to all the commonalities irrespective of the class, caste, rural-urban background the adolescents share in terms of their growing up patterns, their needs and concerns.

Adolescence is a period of transition from childhood to adulthood, which means it is an important bridging of two vital stages of life. And it is characterized by an intense change period- both physically and emotionally. This demands a lot of focus and attention from self and other adults and constructive support from parents to tide over these changes gracefully.  Hence the significant adults consider this a dreaded age and label it as age of unrealism. This label emerges from the location that adolescents are very idealistic in their standpoint and this drives the adults to be a bit cynical.  This period is intensified in terms of search for identity and role clarity.

No one could doubt the intentions of the parents. All of them want to see them happy, healthy and safe. If parents want to be effective and nurturing adults enhancing the development of the adolescent, they need to have better insight and understanding of what the adolescents are made of.  The parents should make this demand on themselves as the parenting is the only vocation that demands little from the parents in terms of preparation, updating or for that matter any effort in this direction. 

This article is one such attempt in this direction- to prepare as effective adults in the adolescent’s lives.

Adolescents have considerable energy, drive and vitality. The general opinion the parents express about their young ones is that they lack initiative and zest. The adolescents have clarity of what they want to do, how they want to go about and channelize their energy only if it interests them. Which often clashes with that of the parents and hence the clash of ideas, personalities and generations. Teenagers often resent the unsolicited and unwarranted attention and advice because they want to appear grown-up, capable and self-sufficient. They feel the need to find their way without parental direction, yet have the benefit of the support when things go out of control. 

 The adolescent often exercise their ability to question contemporary values, philosophies and institutions that make the adults uncomfortable. The adolescents resent the authoritative approach of the parents in terms of imposing their value system on them. They view the adult advice as bossing and nagging, and interfering in the autonomy. This leads to rebellious approach in the young minds about the values the adults hold very high of. Hence today's young ones' expressions of respect, expressions, and choices are different and not generally approved by the adults around. 

Adolescents have heightened sensory awareness and perceptivity. They are quite aware of what is happening around and can take risk to stick their necks out. They like to exercise the feeling of independence and exercise the option of open, frank and free expressions. They also have a good sense of humor that may not match that of adult world.  More often than not they are responsible and can be relied upon.  They have an above average sense of loyalty and dedication to causes. They have an optimistic and positive outlook on life and they are capable of deep and serious thinking about life. This engages them in a sincere and on-going search for identity. 

            If for a moment, we read the above description of a typical adolescent and reflect upon what we consider as the today's "problem ones", we can easily trace the missing link. Many of them have an innate detective system that tells them what is unapproved of by the adult world.

The panic-stricken parents respond with a predictable measure of desperate, unprepared and uninitiated   ways. First, they try to get tough and when it fails, they switch to kindness and reasoning. When all the gentle and ideally prescribed measures fail to yield the desired control, the parents resort to rebuke, ridicule, threats and punishments- not necessarily in the same order.  

 The problem with adults is that they like to guide the young ones based on their past experiences into the future that no one has a clue about. This is a futile and a very dangerous attempt, especially in a rapidly changing world in terms of economy, social structures, values, norms, cultural contexts and life styles. To take a road not knowing where it would lead to and going back to old systems some of which may have lost its relevance today widens the gap between the two. So, a conscious examination of what parents want of the young ones to become, how they want to go about providing a supportive atmosphere both at home and other institutions where the young ones spend their significant life time is called for.

The first obvious change happens with the body and this can be very confusing for them. The adolescents need help and support in adjustment  to changing body- by providing good example of manhood and womanhood, in terms of adequate sex and life skill education and preparation ; support, pride and encouragement in growth and bodily changes, and helping them with appropriate clothes. This phase will be influenced by what is latest and contemporary. Parents need to be cautious about not forcing their idea of, for example, appropriate clothing. Parents are not always comfortable with topics like sex and sexuality. It is often the case with them that they avoid giving answers and more often are not holistic. The information may get very clinical or sexist. Sex education and life skill orientation should include the emotional and social aspects. If parents feel uncomfortable or ill equipped with this aspect, they can seek support of other significant adults who are closer to the adolescent. The important thing is “to teach them and not catch them“. Parents need to be patient with all the challenges posed in terms of “new and unfamiliar” and at times “unhealthy” value systems the adolescents want to experiment with. It is important to visualize all the influences the adolescents experience in their lives outside their homes and it is not always possible to counter them or control them. The consolation is that there is a method to his/her madness and it fits the developmental phase.

This is followed by new orientation to age mates. The composition of friends is going to change. A teenager’s task is tremendous and the time is short. Too much is happening at once. They want to catch up with everything that is contemporary. And friends become most important source of influence and inspiration in this process. It is important to welcome friends at home, provide time for leisure and fun, encouragement of safe outing, reasonable privileges, guidance and understanding. It doesn’t help parent to choose their teenagers’ friends. They look for approval and respect of their choices of friends.

Establishing independence from family is the most difficult task for both parents and the adolescent. It is a time of uncertainty and self-doubt. Desire to be free and independent and fearful of such unknown state is classical of a typical adolescent. Such fluctuations between extreme opposites would be deemed highly abnormal at any other time of life. This confusion has to be granted its space here. Hence  cutting of apron strings becomes a difficult task to perform-knowing well that  teenagers need help but view it as interference,  need  freedom but are not fully ready for the responsibility, need guidance and support instead of orders and  affection  without clinging. It is a fine balancing of various aspects of adolescent-rearing practices that stand in opposite positions.

Finally helping them achieve adult status through real life experiences- some controlled, some on their own is a very important step forward. Making room for mistakes is a necessary evil in this process. Preparing them for adult life in terms of work opportunities, handling  money , providing and completing suitable education and encouragement  of social interests provide a holistic perspective to the support basis. This needs to be supplemented by providing good and healthy role models from their every day life and environment. Parents need to widen their mental horizon in exposing their teenagers to newer ways of balancing gender roles- that are essential for the changing lifestyles. 

Parents who want their children to develop high self-esteem make ä point of treating them with respect and dignity. They don't belittle them by saying things or making comments that would undermine the abilities, sincerity of efforts. They will also not indulge in the infamous saying "now you are an adult" sometimes and "now you are not that grown-up" other times which further confuses the adolescent to his/her sense of belonging to a stage and developmental period. Responsible and sensitive parents will correct the young ones when they do wrong in private, when they can, to help them save face and preserve the dignity of the growing ones. They let the adolescent know clearly, when necessary, that it is their behaviour or approach or attitude that needs to be changed or corrected and they are careful in not attacking the personality of the adolescent. They take time to initiate a dialogue, hear the adolescents' point of view of the conflict, point of view of the world, however different and contradictory it may be. This will help in building mutually trusting relationship that is very important. This will pave way for the young ones to seek support from home when in trouble, rather than from elsewhere which may lead to dangerous trends and dependencies. This is one of the missing links in today's wayward youths. They are afraid to communicate with their parents about their problems and dilemmas as they have arrived at this frightening conclusion that adults and parents won't understand them.  It is often the case, though. This widens the communication gap between both groups and the adolescents depend a lot on their approving peer groups. 

 Peer groups are vital social institutions for the growing adolescents. But when the adolescent prefers one and replaces the family support with the other one, parents need to sit up and take stock of the situation. Parents need to give the assurance that they are on the child's side through concrete actions and approvals. Disapproval and punitive measures will not bring the adolescent any closer and definitely not under any control. This will hasten the process of youth alienation from their immediate environment. They lose a sense of belonging to the family, other social institutions and hence put themselves outside as rebels who fall into a pattern of questioning everything for the sake of it. This also pushes them to aggressive and violent expressions to anything that symbolizes oppression. 

The adult world at time refuses to acknowledge the fact that every generation stores shock as an effective way of questioning the contemporary value system and that they need to grant that process a space in young ones' lives too. The lack of readiness on the adults’ part creates what is commonly commented as the "generation gap". Here adults responsible for this gap where in they show greater immaturity with their "wisdom" and lack of understanding of the concerns of the growing ups when they very well know as they have already been through this process.

Today's parents are caught up in greater confusion as far as the child rearing is concerned. They want to bring up their young wards in the most "modern" way with all the exposures to "modern" ways of life style, interests, language, education, clothing and eating habits and even cultural contexts. And then when the child comes of age, and begins to think, parents jump back to what is familiar and "safe" that of old, control mechanisms. As a result they create an even more confused lot of young ones who live many parallel lives that are often conflicting and paradoxical. In that stage parents don't understand what has happened to their "children" suddenly and the "children" wonder about the sudden change of "gear" in parents' approach to them. 

 The adolescents view the parents as very nagging, inquisitive to the degree of invasion, mistrusting, spying and interfering in their freedom. On the other hand, the parents view their adolescents as shady, hiding, not divulging all the secrets, and rebellious. Both are the cause and effect of one another. Both are reactive as a result of dynamic interaction. Both have suddenly drawn a curtain between themselves, as they are unsure of the situations that lie ahead of them. Hence both live in their own locations and view each other as sitting on the opposite side. This is hardly the case as both are in this as partners, mutually fulfilling a common goal of enhancing the growth of the adolescents gracefully!!!!!!!!

When parents become aware, they can minimize and eliminate the mishandling and mismanagement of the adolescent. Having that awareness is an important first step to effective and sensitive parenting. The guidelines and suggestions when used with empathy, genuineness and sincerity will create a positive relationship with the adolescent. Lot of good words need to transferred in to good deeds and concrete actions- with greater consistency and patience.